"Writers are not just people who sit down and write. They hazard themselves. Every time you compose a book your composition of yourself is at stake." ~E.L. Doctorow
As far back as my earliest memories of writing when I was six and seven years old I do not remember the gripping, sweat-on-the-palms fear of failure that has inhibited me for the past decade. When I was a child, I wrote stories about whatever took my fancy, be it faeries, goofy little mice, detectives. Back then I recognized writing as part of me, a vital part, that was natural and wonderful. Everyone has their "thing" and writing was my gift, my talent, so why shouldn't I share it? Once when my sister was sick (I don't recall with what) I spent the day writing and illustrating a collection of short stories I'd had floating in my head and taking up valuable space. Whenever I wrote a story I had no qualms reading it to Mom and hearing her opinion.
I think the first time I was shy and unsure about my writing was a regional Reading Rainbow Young Writers and Illustrators contest. I didn't want to even enter the contest but Mom persuaded me to do it and, as usual, I was later grateful that she'd given me the helpful shove in the right direction. I made the top three or five (I don't remember exactly which), but even when I was interviewed for the local tv network I was ashamed and blushing as I read an excerpt of my story.
Having people, even my mom, review my work and critique it gradually made me incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of anything I wrote. I don't know, I'm probably just too thin skinned, but whatever the reason, I became increasingly secretive with my stories. A few times I renounced all hope of ever becoming an author (one time lasted for two years) which nearly killed me. Obviously that phase passed, but I still struggle with telling people my ideas or letting them read my stories. Like the quote from Doctorow says, it feels that if your story isn't quite good enough it means you aren't adequate. Every criticism of something you've created feels as if the whole world is telling you that your idea is stupid or just plain weird. Usually I start off writing fully confident in my story and the characters fueling it, but around 50 pages in this nauseating self-doubt kicks in. What if everyone reads my story and thinks it weird? What if everyone reads my story and thinks I'm weird? What if my story is stupid? No one will read it and it will accomplish nothing. So, I let yet another story fall by the wayside and I start over and then I repeat the vicious cycle yet again.
While writing my current story I ran into the same problem around the same time, but I miraculously forced myself through it and continued writing. Then at about 100 pages it came again, I pushed through it again. Now I'm only a few thousand words short of 50, 000 and still not close to an end, but I'm still moving forward. If you are ever going to grow as a writer, you have to stop caring about what people think. Ironically, being a successful writer depends a lot on others' opinion but if you cater only to what the masses demand there would be a plethora of horribly written vampire romances and zombie-fied Jane Austen novels...oh wait...that's already happened. :/
If you stay true to your convictions and creativity, you'll fail a few times and people may or may not be interested in your work. To write is to expose your true heart and soul to anyone who cares to take a look, to be scrutinized in the hopes that it informs, entertains, or enlightens. Vampire and zombies might be selling now, but they're predictable and commercial and will never become classics (except Twilight because it's the monster that started all this madness). Don't try to be something you're not and don't write something that isn't inspired. Go to any secondhand bookstore and three-fourths of each shelf tells the story of a failed book and the "havenot" author. But some of those books are unexpected gems, originals in a sea of lookalikes. Some of those authors might think they failed, but they don't know what that one book might mean to a small group of fans. You could be published and on the bestseller list, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're a good author.
"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." ~Flannery O'Connor
